Mended Hearts Open Forum

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom. 

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Original Message:
Sent: 10/31/2020 7:04:00 AM
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom. 

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Indy,

I know how you're feeling. When at age 65 my slew of cardiac problems came out of the blue I read somewhere that 50% of patients with my conditions die within 5 years of diagnosis. I was newly retired, had been very active and healthy (or so I thought) and looking forward to doing the things that my working life had shoved aside. The idea of having only five years to do all those things, and hampered by my malfunctioning heart, was deeply disturbing. Joining Mended Hearts and interacting with so many other people in the same situation has helped me put things in perspective (more or less). I've had counseling and the other thing that's helped is time. I know that's a small comfort to you when you're feeling so anxious. One good thing (perhaps the only one) that's come out of all of this is an increased awareness that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, so I'd better concentrate on today. 

I suggest that you look into virtual counseling. Mine was provided by a wonderful therapist working for a company called AbleTo. The program was covered by my health insurance but if yours doesn't cover it, you may be able to get some financial help. Contact AbleTo (ableto.com), explain your situation, and see what they suggest. There are a variety of foundations that offer help and/or can refer you elsewhere. 

P.S. Your dog cannot possibly be the most adorable one in the world because MY little dog is absolutely, positively the most adorable.

------------------------------
Jean McMillan
TN
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Indy, to follow up on something Ira said:

We all have an expiration date stamped on us but we don't know where it is and no matter how hard to try you can't find. The way I see heart surgery – we're among the lucky ones whose expiration date is after the surgery. I only had a single bypass, and it was of my Marginal Obtuse (or is that Obtuse Marginal) 1 artery. And the need to have it done was found as part of an angiogram required before my valve/ascending aorta surgery. And that's the day AFTER passing a stress-echo with flying colors; no pain, or anything else. I consider myself extremely lucky they found the 80% blockage before it found me. I wouldn't have likely died from it, but it would have caused angina or simply injured my heart - nobody knows. So in my mind - even if your bypass followed a heart attack - imagine how much worse it could have been. It simply wasn't your time. And it may not be for a very, very VERY long time. At 59, you're still young. (Easy to say from 68!) 

Best of luck with getting beyond this emotional hurdle. Covid's restrictions on life / travel aren't helping anybody. But this too shall end.

Onward...

Herb


------------------------------
Herb Greenberg
San Diego CA
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-01-2020 08:06
From: Jean McMillan
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

I know how you're feeling. When at age 65 my slew of cardiac problems came out of the blue I read somewhere that 50% of patients with my conditions die within 5 years of diagnosis. I was newly retired, had been very active and healthy (or so I thought) and looking forward to doing the things that my working life had shoved aside. The idea of having only five years to do all those things, and hampered by my malfunctioning heart, was deeply disturbing. Joining Mended Hearts and interacting with so many other people in the same situation has helped me put things in perspective (more or less). I've had counseling and the other thing that's helped is time. I know that's a small comfort to you when you're feeling so anxious. One good thing (perhaps the only one) that's come out of all of this is an increased awareness that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, so I'd better concentrate on today.

I suggest that you look into virtual counseling. Mine was provided by a wonderful therapist working for a company called AbleTo. The program was covered by my health insurance but if yours doesn't cover it, you may be able to get some financial help. Contact AbleTo (ableto.com), explain your situation, and see what they suggest. There are a variety of foundations that offer help and/or can refer you elsewhere.

P.S. Your dog cannot possibly be the most adorable one in the world because MY little dog is absolutely, positively the most adorable.

------------------------------
Jean McMillan
TN

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Indy,

I'm 70 years old, had a heart attack and quintuple bypass surgery followed by a two week medically induced coma all when I was 67, recovered exceedingly well like you and have a wife and a 20 year old daughter in college.  I love life and try to live it to the fullest every single day.

There was a time when I used to think about and fear death.  It preoccupied me from the time I was a teenager.  That all ended for me around 8 years ago when I finally confronted all my fears including the beliefs underlying those fears and understood that all fear is based upon a belief about the future and the myth that you have to be unhappy now if that hypothetical future were to occur.

As Mr. Ralph Warren recently said on this site, nobody has ever survived life.  My father, who medical history I seem to be following pretty much to the year, had a bleeding ulcer at 34 (same as me) and a heart attack at 67 (he didn't need open heart surgery, just a stent) and he died of Alzheimer's complications at age 92 after being diagnosed at age 88 or so.  I figure I might follow in his footsteps once again if I live that long.  So yes, I would say that I am terminal and, actually, I would prefer to go before my future Alzheimer's gets advanced (assuming my heart doesn't kill me earlier) so I can spare my family the cost both personally and financially.

So what are we talking about here in an optimal situation?  Fifteen years?  Less?  This old athlete's body of mine has an expiration date that I am fast approaching, but I don't give a damn.  I'm enjoying the ride right here and now and when it's my time to go, tomorrow or twenty years from now, I'm going to ride off hell for leather into whatever awaits me.

Ira

PS - Several years ago I read a story about Clint Eastward.  They asked him if he ever worried about the fact that he was so old when he had his last child and might die before the child grew to adulthood and had a chance to learn from him.  Eastward's reply was who knows if that would be good or bad for the child.  He was absolutely hit the nail on the head right.

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

I had triple bypass 16 years ago. I have had stents at years 7,9 & 11 after surgery. I have done pretty much all I wanted to do. I don't let bypass surgery hold me back. Older age has. I am 78. Keep exercising and active like volunteering.
Terry

------------------------------
Terry Martin
Retired
tbitwo@gmail.com
3092537394
Lexington, IL
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

So, June 8, 2019 - I had a perfectly timed Pulseless Electrical Activity event.   As a Sales Rep at 55, I've sold technology for 24 years and with now with my 3rd company I cover the nation, so I could have been anywhere at the time.   Circumstances happened that I was home, beautiful Saturday, got out of the pool and that's the last thing I remember.   7 days later I woke up from a coma.   I was told I had gone 50 minutes with no heart beat.   Now, I did tell my wife I didn't feel well, she said my color was very white/grayish, and that I was sweating so terribly and complaining of both shoulders hurt so she drove me to the ER.   I have no memory of that.   So, I was there when it happened.  After breaking 5 ribs, damaging my vocal cords, puncturing a lung, cracking my sternum, draining 2 liters of blood out of my lungs, AND 50 minutes, through tears, the doctor informed my wife that he didn't save me, and I quote "I didn't do that, he was gone" but obviously I kept fighting.   As a Former 101st Airborne Division soldier, she repiled, "he's tough".   After warning my family about brain damage they bought me out of the coma.   I woke up to a best friend who never left my side and my wife.   I didn't recognize my friend, he was crying, left the room, left the hospital and went home.   He thought the worse.   If he'd given me a minute, the doctor asked me if I knew my wife and asked me her name.  I replied, yes and Kelly.    So, fast forward a few minutes.  I asked my wife where the angel went.   I told her the angel held my hand and I was never alone and never afraid and that it seemed like Just seconds ago she left me.  I told her angels are real and that God loves us.  I won't get into the 3 places she took me.  I know 50 minutes is hard to get your mind around.   I've had 2 people out of 100s not believe me.   With the life I've lived I found it interesting that I had no memory of anything here in this dimension.   No wife of 27 years, no memories of my daughter playing college basketball, my son in the 3 sports he played, no mom/dad, friends, family, in-laws, no missions, nothing about the 2 Olympics I covered - nothing except this angel.  I struggle to this day and have cried for hours trying to deny the event.  I can't.   Don't you deny 1 precious day of your life.   Live it - no regret.   Get right with those you need and want to.   Spend some time in prayer and the answer will come.  Money, quotas, politics don't even register in my Top 10 anymore.  I was never a nonbeliever but certainly lukewarm.   Now I just want to live here with and for important things like family friends and make great memories of the time I have left because all I'm really sure of is that angels are real and Jesus loves us.   Sometimes dying is easy.   It can come on a beautiful Summer afternoon.   They'll be no memory of early fall mornings fishing in the mist.  She's waiting, you have to take her hand.   The perfect message sent by the perfect messenger.

------------------------------
Bob Eckenrod
Sales Executive
McMinnville TN
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Bob, thank you so much for your story.  Indy I hope this gives you inspiration.

I am interested in where the angels took you if you are willing to share. At 52 I had a CABG x 41 stent last October and 2 stents this February. I was leading a healthy life eating and exercising. In July of this year I had conversations with what I refer to as my guardian angels. They told me very clearly that I was going to die. I was at 100% peace during and after these conversations. I heard my mother fuss at me when laying in bed on morning when she called my name with the tone that very clearly said you are not paying attention. Mom passed away in January of this year.

So during the next at least 3 conversations I started talking and asking questions with no response. I did ask not to die during a weekend trip with the family in late July.  The week after The family trip I had 2 conversations which during the first I asked did I really have to die. During the second I said if I had my druthers I'd rather not die and live to watch my children and grandkids grow older.

Two days later I was supposed to go to my cardiac rehab at 11:00 am on Monday august 3. I was depressed and did not want to go. First my wife very supportive wife gave me the look. We've been married 38 years. I missed my 11:00 workout and decided to see if I could make the afternoon workout. When I called no one answered and so I figured I'd go Wednesday and Friday. About noon, my daughter asked me to see if I could help that Wednesday with her 3 sons. I did not want to miss 2 days of workout during the week so I called rehab again. I got in at the 2:15 workout.

At 2:36 I had a cardiac arrest where my lower heart was beating at 230 bpm. I passed out and died, my pulse went to zero according to the nurses.  The nurses at the rehab responded with a smart defibrillator and I was brought back to life.  While at the ER I started to believe that I had survived and the nurses Drs kept saying that I was not acting normal. I was sitting there smiling the whole time. The next day I was alone in the room do to COVID-19 restrictions and more than once said out loud "ok was that it? Do I get to live? I really think I deserve a clear message after all the conversations". All this said with a smile and hope.

After I woke up from the surgery to install my pacemaker and defibrillator on august 5, I was wide awake and knew that my guardian angels were in the room telling me that yes I get to live.  The nurses and Drs were concerned that I was not acting normal. I was saying thank you a thousand times to the six angels I could feel in the room.  It was such a pure 100% peaceful feeling I wish everyone in the world would experience it.

There is more smaller detail to the story. I just know that if I was not at cardiac rehab at 2:36 on august 3rd, I would not be alive today. With the angel conversations and my mom's help I survived. I felt the pure 100% peace while in the recovery room on august 5 with six angels in the room.  Whether it is angels, the Holy Spirit, the Universe or whatever, it is very real.

 I experienced two more CA arrests in august and was saved by personal defibrillator.  With all the daily pains aches and fears along with PTSD and depression, I am eternally grateful to be alive and experiencing life.  It doesn't mean that every day is happy, I just try to have more happy days than worry days. 

I have told my story to family and friends and several ask why me. I have not been to church services in years and believe in science. As a scientist, I have had many discussions with family and friends about what is real about after death. I have always believed that both science and what you and I and others experienced is real. Now I know it is real. I am no longer afraid of dying, I just think it would be unfair to not get the next 5 to 30 years of life.

My last thoughts are that I do not believe it matters if you are Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Spiritual or other religious beliefs. All paths lead to heaven.  Please do not respond to this comment if you want to defend a single religion or belief.  You do need to be "good", whatever that means.

Finally, if you want to share your experience in detail please tell me your story. If privately, my phone number is 512-954-7113. Leave a message as I do not answer unknown calls. Or my email is rwaclawczyk@austin.rr.com.  

------------------------------
Randy Waclawczyk
Round Rock TX
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 04:28
From: Bob Eckenrod
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

So, June 8, 2019 - I had a perfectly timed Pulseless Electrical Activity event.   As a Sales Rep at 55, I've sold technology for 24 years and with now with my 3rd company I cover the nation, so I could have been anywhere at the time.   Circumstances happened that I was home, beautiful Saturday, got out of the pool and that's the last thing I remember.   7 days later I woke up from a coma.   I was told I had gone 50 minutes with no heart beat.   Now, I did tell my wife I didn't feel well, she said my color was very white/grayish, and that I was sweating so terribly and complaining of both shoulders hurt so she drove me to the ER.   I have no memory of that.   So, I was there when it happened.  After breaking 5 ribs, damaging my vocal cords, puncturing a lung, cracking my sternum, draining 2 liters of blood out of my lungs, AND 50 minutes, through tears, the doctor informed my wife that he didn't save me, and I quote "I didn't do that, he was gone" but obviously I kept fighting.   As a Former 101st Airborne Division soldier, she repiled, "he's tough".   After warning my family about brain damage they bought me out of the coma.   I woke up to a best friend who never left my side and my wife.   I didn't recognize my friend, he was crying, left the room, left the hospital and went home.   He thought the worse.   If he'd given me a minute, the doctor asked me if I knew my wife and asked me her name.  I replied, yes and Kelly.    So, fast forward a few minutes.  I asked my wife where the angel went.   I told her the angel held my hand and I was never alone and never afraid and that it seemed like Just seconds ago she left me.  I told her angels are real and that God loves us.  I won't get into the 3 places she took me.  I know 50 minutes is hard to get your mind around.   I've had 2 people out of 100s not believe me.   With the life I've lived I found it interesting that I had no memory of anything here in this dimension.   No wife of 27 years, no memories of my daughter playing college basketball, my son in the 3 sports he played, no mom/dad, friends, family, in-laws, no missions, nothing about the 2 Olympics I covered - nothing except this angel.  I struggle to this day and have cried for hours trying to deny the event.  I can't.   Don't you deny 1 precious day of your life.   Live it - no regret.   Get right with those you need and want to.   Spend some time in prayer and the answer will come.  Money, quotas, politics don't even register in my Top 10 anymore.  I was never a nonbeliever but certainly lukewarm.   Now I just want to live here with and for important things like family friends and make great memories of the time I have left because all I'm really sure of is that angels are real and Jesus loves us.   Sometimes dying is easy.   It can come on a beautiful Summer afternoon.   They'll be no memory of early fall mornings fishing in the mist.  She's waiting, you have to take her hand.   The perfect message sent by the perfect messenger.

------------------------------
Bob Eckenrod
Sales Executive
McMinnville TN

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows. 

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Original Message:
Sent: 11/5/2020 7:20:00 AM
From: Indy Coder
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Jesus Richard, you depressed me....

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 11:47
From: Richard Short
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

You might want to ask yourself what your wife needs to help keep her mind off losing you instead of what keeps your mind off gorking. 

Remember you are the patient. You have the doctors, nurses, technicians, this forum, medications, rehab, and all the other stuff to help you heal. What does she have?

She has you, she has worry, she has fear. You need to give her some hope that you are going to follow the doctor's orders, you are going to eat right, you are going to exercise so you will be around for many years to come. 

Even if you are not comfortable saying it, you need to keep saying it so she will feel better. Do not let your concerns weigh on her. She has enough of her own. She needs to know you have a positive attitude about this so she can. 

Hell nobody has any guarantees about tomorrow. We may not even see this afternoon. Quit wasting your time looking for the end to come. You will never see it when it happens anyway. It will just happen. A trip on the front porch, a stroke while you sleep, a drunk driver T bones your car, so and so on. All of us are going to die. Enjoy what you have. 

I have arthritis, emphysema, vertigo, PTSD, a heart condition with a pacemaker, 71 years old and I am planning to be around for a long time to come. I have pain every day, with shortness of breath, and get dizzy standing up too fast. So what. Who cares. 

My chest scar hurts, my sternum hurts and my pacemaker gets bumped all the time and it hurts. We all have crap thrown at us every day.  There are a lot of folks that would love to be in my shoes because they have it worse than me. 

You need to realize the aches and pains are telling you that you are alive and healing, not getting worse. Nerve endings are waking up and telling you they are reconnecting.

Scar tissue is stretching and becoming used to the movement of your arms. 

You are doing well man, just remember you are not alone. Lie to yourself if you have to until you believe it. I am looking forward to hearing from you in the future and telling others about your fears and reassuring them it does get better with time and healing.

You will be able to pass on to them your understanding and give them some assurance.

You have a good heart and a good sense of humor. Keep smiling, it DOES get better and easier.

Take care 

Richard Short.

Original Message:
Sent: 11/5/2020 7:20:00 AM
From: Indy Coder
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

I agree with the message. I had triple bypass 16 years ago. 3stents since.4 years ago I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus. That requires a shunt from my head to my abdomen with an adjustable valve to regulate the amount of fluid to be drained. As was said you never know what will hit you next. I am fortunate that what I have gone through has had a fix. Enjoy and volunteer to spread the message of survivor.

------------------------------
Terry Martin
Retired
tbitwo@gmail.com
3092537394
Lexington, IL
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 11:47
From: Richard Short
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

You might want to ask yourself what your wife needs to help keep her mind off losing you instead of what keeps your mind off gorking. 

Remember you are the patient. You have the doctors, nurses, technicians, this forum, medications, rehab, and all the other stuff to help you heal. What does she have?

She has you, she has worry, she has fear. You need to give her some hope that you are going to follow the doctor's orders, you are going to eat right, you are going to exercise so you will be around for many years to come. 

Even if you are not comfortable saying it, you need to keep saying it so she will feel better. Do not let your concerns weigh on her. She has enough of her own. She needs to know you have a positive attitude about this so she can. 

Hell nobody has any guarantees about tomorrow. We may not even see this afternoon. Quit wasting your time looking for the end to come. You will never see it when it happens anyway. It will just happen. A trip on the front porch, a stroke while you sleep, a drunk driver T bones your car, so and so on. All of us are going to die. Enjoy what you have. 

I have arthritis, emphysema, vertigo, PTSD, a heart condition with a pacemaker, 71 years old and I am planning to be around for a long time to come. I have pain every day, with shortness of breath, and get dizzy standing up too fast. So what. Who cares. 

My chest scar hurts, my sternum hurts and my pacemaker gets bumped all the time and it hurts. We all have crap thrown at us every day.  There are a lot of folks that would love to be in my shoes because they have it worse than me. 

You need to realize the aches and pains are telling you that you are alive and healing, not getting worse. Nerve endings are waking up and telling you they are reconnecting.

Scar tissue is stretching and becoming used to the movement of your arms. 

You are doing well man, just remember you are not alone. Lie to yourself if you have to until you believe it. I am looking forward to hearing from you in the future and telling others about your fears and reassuring them it does get better with time and healing.

You will be able to pass on to them your understanding and give them some assurance.

You have a good heart and a good sense of humor. Keep smiling, it DOES get better and easier.

Take care 

Richard Short.

Original Message:
Sent: 11/5/2020 7:20:00 AM
From: Indy Coder
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

I sat down with my bride and close family to discuss how best to ensure my wife was not negatively affected ( financially) and we mapped out a plan. I drew up the legal documents I needed and keep a copy at hand. Periodically I review those and make any changes necessary. It ain't always gonna be pretty for people but do what you can to optimize things for your family and stop fretting over every last detail. You have that luxury right now of looking at things, so take advantage. Now as for my kids...I'm trying to deplete all their inheritence, ie take it with me. I hope the plot I bought will accommodate a mustang

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

The thing is, Indy, that everyone will age eventually. I'm "only" 67 and my cardiac problems have forced me to pay attention to and heed the aging process sooner than I had expected, but it was lurking just around the corner anyway. My husband and I both hate the idea of losing each other, but it will happen some day regardless of how we feel about it. So we keep on keeping on. My mother used to advise me, "Make the best of the circumstances," because if you don't like or can't change the circumstances, you can still change the way you deal with them. Not an easy thing, of course. I try to focus on the good things around me and let the other stuff go. It takes time and patience to get through your situation, and if you're like me, you're short on both time and patience. But consider the alternative....

------------------------------
Jean McMillan
TN
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 8:08:00 AM
From: Jean McMillan
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

The thing is, Indy, that everyone will age eventually. I'm "only" 67 and my cardiac problems have forced me to pay attention to and heed the aging process sooner than I had expected, but it was lurking just around the corner anyway. My husband and I both hate the idea of losing each other, but it will happen some day regardless of how we feel about it. So we keep on keeping on. My mother used to advise me, "Make the best of the circumstances," because if you don't like or can't change the circumstances, you can still change the way you deal with them. Not an easy thing, of course. I try to focus on the good things around me and let the other stuff go. It takes time and patience to get through your situation, and if you're like me, you're short on both time and patience. But consider the alternative....

------------------------------
Jean McMillan
TN
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Indy, 

Death never was far into the future, even at 20. I came a split second from being killed before I was 20 and the cause of death would have been daydreaming.  Death is here with us every single moment of every single day whether we choose to be aware of it or pretend it's not there.

Whether we choose to fear death is another story.  When I was 16, I read "The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber" by Ernest Hemingway.  It was about a man who runs away during a dangerous hunt for a wounded lion, but later finds courage with the help of the professional hunter leading the safari.  The hunter quotes Shakespeare's lines from Henry IV:

"By my troth, I care not; a man can die but once; we owe God a death and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next."

I didn't understand how anyone could honestly feel that way when I was 16, but I'll be damned, I sure do understand and feel exactly like that now after all these years of life and experience sine I was 16.  And do you want to know what it feels like?  It feels like freedom.

Hang in there,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-06-2020 08:07
From: Jean McMillan
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

The thing is, Indy, that everyone will age eventually. I'm "only" 67 and my cardiac problems have forced me to pay attention to and heed the aging process sooner than I had expected, but it was lurking just around the corner anyway. My husband and I both hate the idea of losing each other, but it will happen some day regardless of how we feel about it. So we keep on keeping on. My mother used to advise me, "Make the best of the circumstances," because if you don't like or can't change the circumstances, you can still change the way you deal with them. Not an easy thing, of course. I try to focus on the good things around me and let the other stuff go. It takes time and patience to get through your situation, and if you're like me, you're short on both time and patience. But consider the alternative....

------------------------------
Jean McMillan
TN

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

1. Fred Sanford only called out to his dead wife Louise when he wanted to guilt trip his son in any argument 
2. Everyone should prepare for their financial futures: retirement, health, long term care and life insurance. Write wills and power of attorney forms etc.  While no one wants to think that they wont live forever, you need to discuss  these things with your spouse/ significant other etc. Once you do this, you will be less worried. Because my heart surgery was scheduled,  my husband and I had time to revise our wills etc before the surgery. Also I had a "discussion"with our three adult sons ( mostly me talking) telling them my advise and wishes for their future.

------------------------------
Marilyn Rosenhouse
Dallas TX
(214) 850-0219
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-06-2020 08:07
From: Jean McMillan
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

The thing is, Indy, that everyone will age eventually. I'm "only" 67 and my cardiac problems have forced me to pay attention to and heed the aging process sooner than I had expected, but it was lurking just around the corner anyway. My husband and I both hate the idea of losing each other, but it will happen some day regardless of how we feel about it. So we keep on keeping on. My mother used to advise me, "Make the best of the circumstances," because if you don't like or can't change the circumstances, you can still change the way you deal with them. Not an easy thing, of course. I try to focus on the good things around me and let the other stuff go. It takes time and patience to get through your situation, and if you're like me, you're short on both time and patience. But consider the alternative....

------------------------------
Jean McMillan
TN

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you. 

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works. 

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn’t. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this “we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying” and we don’t know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don’t dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you. 

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works. 

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Indy, I think that people who have had heart surgery are thinking about death more often than we did pre OHS. I know I do. I'm learning how to deal with that thought that is always on my mind. Is my heart going to work ok today? What about tomorrow? Am I going to be ok tomorrow? OHS patients experience an emotion no one understands but us. I personally try to fill that fearful thought of getting to tomorrow by being thankful for the day I had. It helps. I'm happy healthy and have a wonderful family to fill my time. It may be hard for you to do but if you keep practicing that mindset, you can overcome the fear! Don't let anything steal your joy...you earned it ! God Bless

------------------------------
[Carrie] [Kashani]
Parapro
ISD
[White Bear Lake [MN]
Carrie
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor. 

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Hello Ira and Marilyn
Thank you for you replies. I think we are all at some stage of healing and entitled to make gallows humor if we want. I promised my family I wouldn't die until after COVID so as not to miss a proper funeral.  Wishing you well and wishing you peace.

------------------------------
Doris Edwards
Retired RN
Dublin, Ohio
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:11
From: Ira Reid
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor.

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Original Message:
Sent: 12/7/2020 8:12:00 AM
From: Ira Reid
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor. 

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Ah well if you're talking funeral services, I have mine all planned...When I die, the wife is going to microwave me. I have a bunch of friends standing by at their homes next to the porcelain throne. When my wife flushes my ash my friends will raise their seat covers in a 21 lid salute as I float by. I plan to look them all up as I go whizzing by.

A ceremony fit for my position in life don't you think?

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:11
From: Ira Reid
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor.

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Perfect, Ralph.  So you prefer the sea to the air. Were you a Navy man?  I always wan't to fly!

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-08-2020 14:35
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Ah well if you're talking funeral services, I have mine all planned...When I die, the wife is going to microwave me. I have a bunch of friends standing by at their homes next to the porcelain throne. When my wife flushes my ash my friends will raise their seat covers in a 21 lid salute as I float by. I plan to look them all up as I go whizzing by.

A ceremony fit for my position in life don't you think?

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:11
From: Ira Reid
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor.

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

you guys sre sooooooo sick🥴
I laughed out loud!!!!

------------------------------
Marilyn Rosenhouse
Dallas TX
(214) 850-0219
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-09-2020 07:24
From: Ira Reid
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Perfect, Ralph.  So you prefer the sea to the air. Were you a Navy man?  I always wan't to fly!

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-08-2020 14:35
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Ah well if you're talking funeral services, I have mine all planned...When I die, the wife is going to microwave me. I have a bunch of friends standing by at their homes next to the porcelain throne. When my wife flushes my ash my friends will raise their seat covers in a 21 lid salute as I float by. I plan to look them all up as I go whizzing by.

A ceremony fit for my position in life don't you think?

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:11
From: Ira Reid
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor.

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

The Vikings with Kirk Douglas was a great movie, Marilyn.  I first saw it with my dad and his friend at a movie theater.  I must have been around 8 or 9 years old.  It's where I first got the idea of having a Viking funeral.  Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if Burt, who knew and made many movies with Kirk, had the same thought and tucked it away in his mind until he made Rocket Gibraltar many years later.

Anyway, I've always loved gallows humor, sometimes to the chagrin if my friends.  I guess it's an acquired taste.

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-09-2020 21:53
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

you guys sre sooooooo sick🥴
I laughed out loud!!!!

------------------------------
Marilyn Rosenhouse
Dallas TX
(214) 850-0219

Original Message:
Sent: 12-09-2020 07:24
From: Ira Reid
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Perfect, Ralph.  So you prefer the sea to the air. Were you a Navy man?  I always wan't to fly!

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-08-2020 14:35
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Ah well if you're talking funeral services, I have mine all planned...When I die, the wife is going to microwave me. I have a bunch of friends standing by at their homes next to the porcelain throne. When my wife flushes my ash my friends will raise their seat covers in a 21 lid salute as I float by. I plan to look them all up as I go whizzing by.

A ceremony fit for my position in life don't you think?

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:11
From: Ira Reid
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor.

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

a sense of humor always helps. even when its sick humor . Kirk Douglas also did a movie as you suggest. Viking style .

Guess it depends on the budget
Its my understanding that in the olden days along the Ganges river, the wife was to fall onto the funeral pyre. you will get a no vite with that one.

We are a long way from Mended Hearts support group topics!!! i

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/7/2020 8:12:00 AM
From: Ira Reid
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Marilyn and Doris,

I'm torn between wanting two entirely different types of funerals.  I've always told everyone would would listen that I want a Viking funeral (a rowboat is fine; no need for a longship), but nobody takes me seriously.  My wife just growls when she hears me mention it and I'm thinking that I might need to find some kids to help me out the way they helped the Burt Lancaster character get his Viking funeral in "Rocket Gibraltar."

On the other hand, the idea of being placed on a funeral pyre at the shores of the Ganges, and having my ashes floated down the river also is quite appealing.  Of course, having my body flown all the way to India, with all the attendant expense for my family, is a complicating factor. 

I guess I could settle for having my ashes buried or releases on Brando's Island near Tahiti.  At least my wife could get a nice vacation out of the deal.

Happy trails,

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 23:05
From: Marilyn Rosenhouse
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thank you Doris for your remarks.
I was fortunate that i didn't suffer postop depression ( probably i was medicated well).
My husband who waited and watched while the dictors and nurses gave me a five percent chance of survival for three days. he had the PTSD. I was fortunate to have lots of family and friends to support me .
BTW : preparing for your funeral is a responsible behavior for anyone regardless of medical issues. its a kindness to your family .

Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/6/2020 9:06:00 PM
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Wow! Your post couldn't have come at a more needed time for me! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know exactly what you are going through. Was telling my wife over breakfast just this morning that I feel like I'm watching the sands of an hour glass running out, waiting on that last grain of sand to fall through. My OHS was 18 months ago and have had one complication after another and lately it seems my health has been getting worse day-by-day. I am a young 57 and have always led a healthy and active life as well as always making it a point to have a positive-mental-attitude. But when you live in pain 24 hours a day and constantly feel bad all the time it can take a toll on you mentally as well as physically. Every time you get hit with a bad chest pain you think "Is this it? Is this the one that is going to take me out?". It can get to the most positive of people after awhile.

What helps me to remain positive is knowing that our heart condition could have already taken us out. God intended for us to be around awhile longer to finish up whatever His plan for our life was. I've had several close friends who dropped dead from their first heart attack and I've survived three, including the last one where I had 5 blood clots in my heart, any one of which could have been fatal. I have no doubt that the reason we're still here is that our purpose on this earth isn't yet fulfilled and that we need to embrace every day, be thankful for the time we have and love on those around us as much as we can. :-)

------------------------------
Brett Temple
Project Manager
Sarasota FL
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 21:05
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Hello Brett
I totally agree that you have reasons for being here and that those reasons should take most of your time and attention. Yet one still needs to process the reality of a close call. I certainly do. Wishing you well.

------------------------------
Doris Edwards
Retired RN
Dublin, Ohio
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:27
From: Brett Temple
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Wow! Your post couldn't have come at a more needed time for me! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know exactly what you are going through. Was telling my wife over breakfast just this morning that I feel like I'm watching the sands of an hour glass running out, waiting on that last grain of sand to fall through. My OHS was 18 months ago and have had one complication after another and lately it seems my health has been getting worse day-by-day. I am a young 57 and have always led a healthy and active life as well as always making it a point to have a positive-mental-attitude. But when you live in pain 24 hours a day and constantly feel bad all the time it can take a toll on you mentally as well as physically. Every time you get hit with a bad chest pain you think "Is this it? Is this the one that is going to take me out?". It can get to the most positive of people after awhile.

What helps me to remain positive is knowing that our heart condition could have already taken us out. God intended for us to be around awhile longer to finish up whatever His plan for our life was. I've had several close friends who dropped dead from their first heart attack and I've survived three, including the last one where I had 5 blood clots in my heart, any one of which could have been fatal. I have no doubt that the reason we're still here is that our purpose on this earth isn't yet fulfilled and that we need to embrace every day, be thankful for the time we have and love on those around us as much as we can. :-)

------------------------------
Brett Temple
Project Manager
Sarasota FL

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 21:05
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Hi Brett,

"I'm watching the sands of an hour glass running out, waiting on that last grain of sand to fall through."  

Indeed, Brett, you hit the nail on the head.  It is not death that is the problem, but the waiting for death.  If we sit around "waiting for that last grain of sand to fall" then we're missing out on the ride we're taking as we sit atop that grain while it hurtles through space.  The problem we are here on Earth to solve is how to live fully and completely in the limited time that we have here, rather than squander that time watching the clock as the inevitable end approaches.

Here's to Clay Walker who sang I want to live until I die.  Amen.

Ira

------------------------------
Ira Reid
Hoboken NJ
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:27
From: Brett Temple
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Wow! Your post couldn't have come at a more needed time for me! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know exactly what you are going through. Was telling my wife over breakfast just this morning that I feel like I'm watching the sands of an hour glass running out, waiting on that last grain of sand to fall through. My OHS was 18 months ago and have had one complication after another and lately it seems my health has been getting worse day-by-day. I am a young 57 and have always led a healthy and active life as well as always making it a point to have a positive-mental-attitude. But when you live in pain 24 hours a day and constantly feel bad all the time it can take a toll on you mentally as well as physically. Every time you get hit with a bad chest pain you think "Is this it? Is this the one that is going to take me out?". It can get to the most positive of people after awhile.

What helps me to remain positive is knowing that our heart condition could have already taken us out. God intended for us to be around awhile longer to finish up whatever His plan for our life was. I've had several close friends who dropped dead from their first heart attack and I've survived three, including the last one where I had 5 blood clots in my heart, any one of which could have been fatal. I have no doubt that the reason we're still here is that our purpose on this earth isn't yet fulfilled and that we need to embrace every day, be thankful for the time we have and love on those around us as much as we can. :-)

------------------------------
Brett Temple
Project Manager
Sarasota FL

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 21:05
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

To add some humor to this. I've had 3 stents and 3 cardiac arrests since last October. I survived the CA with conversations and guidance from what I call my guardian angels. People have told me I have something left to do on earth before I go. My son said "Dad don't do it so you will be here a long time."   I am 59.

------------------------------
Randy Waclawczyk
Round Rock TX
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 12-07-2020 08:27
From: Brett Temple
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Wow! Your post couldn't have come at a more needed time for me! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know exactly what you are going through. Was telling my wife over breakfast just this morning that I feel like I'm watching the sands of an hour glass running out, waiting on that last grain of sand to fall through. My OHS was 18 months ago and have had one complication after another and lately it seems my health has been getting worse day-by-day. I am a young 57 and have always led a healthy and active life as well as always making it a point to have a positive-mental-attitude. But when you live in pain 24 hours a day and constantly feel bad all the time it can take a toll on you mentally as well as physically. Every time you get hit with a bad chest pain you think "Is this it? Is this the one that is going to take me out?". It can get to the most positive of people after awhile.

What helps me to remain positive is knowing that our heart condition could have already taken us out. God intended for us to be around awhile longer to finish up whatever His plan for our life was. I've had several close friends who dropped dead from their first heart attack and I've survived three, including the last one where I had 5 blood clots in my heart, any one of which could have been fatal. I have no doubt that the reason we're still here is that our purpose on this earth isn't yet fulfilled and that we need to embrace every day, be thankful for the time we have and love on those around us as much as we can. :-)

------------------------------
Brett Temple
Project Manager
Sarasota FL

Original Message:
Sent: 12-06-2020 21:05
From: Doris Edwards
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined the conversation and your situation caught my attention, Indy, because I too have been obsessing on how much time I have left since CABG, complications and then a stent to remedy the complications 10 weeks ago. Since I'm a retired RN I can generate quite intricate lists of things to worry about including COVID. I am the same age (75) that my mother was when she died of sudden cardiac arrest.  That weighs on my mind.  I had active PTSD in the early post-op days. I've made my funeral plans.  Am I overly morbid?

It's been about three weeks since the last post on your situation and I wonder how you're doing?  What I'm coming to appreciate is that healing is a LONG process and that Mother Nature is continually busy at all kinds of repair work on your behalf-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. The repair work feels "funny."  People process their experiences differently but story telling is one of the very best ways to gain perspective on your healing.  I tell my stories over and over as I finish a new chapter.  There are milestones. There are tools to lower anxiety one can learn. Knowing others feel similarly is a help. I hope you are having better days and that time and reflection are helping you to heal. Others wish you well.


------------------------------
Doris Edwards

Original Message:
Sent: 11-16-2020 01:31
From: slobodan sokola
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Hello Indy......i can sympathize with you , i have a artificial aortic valve and prostetic ascending aorta. And i am only 39 years old. Every time i have a arythmia or irregular heart beat or some chest pain....it goes trough my head "this is it"......but the reallity is much different. A lot of open heart surgery patients will live like a normaln person would. People die from all things and we never know when is our last day. So i take it one step at the time and when the time comes it comes. Nothing we can do about it , but looking at our situation now (i am sure a lot of people will agree with me) it's because of our heart condition that brought us so close to death that we appreciate life now even more. I myself have taken the wrong road before my heart operation (drinking too much , having just a shitty life focusing on material things.). After all of this i have a new view on life and i will make the most of what i have left. What is the difference if you live to see 100 years when all of that time will be spent in constant fear and waiting for something bad to happen. Live your life man....enjoy little things , go out with your friends, laugh , make love to your wife/girlfriend , make a family, play with your children ....make the most of it.....and in the end we are all going to die so what's te point opsessing about it? It just eats away your time and energy....as a movie quote says "I was afraid, for all of my life, right up until I knew it was ending. That was when I realized, as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place where you can find true happiness. Because reality is real.".... just take it one day at a time, you will be fine.....

------------------------------
slobodan sokola
technical supervisor
Andritz
vinkovci

Original Message:
Sent: 11-13-2020 23:22
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks. Good stuff to think on.

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-07-2020 07:39
From: Tommy Broughton
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Indy,

Please stop worrying about the future and continue to live your life to the fullest. Almost 14 years ago I had 5 way bypass surgery followed 7 years ago with a stent. At 77 years of age I know I am in the final years but I look at it this way, and I have told many people this. I have had a great life and these past 14 years have been a bonus. My dad died at 61 with a heart attack and I think quite often of the years I have had that he didn't. If I die today I have no regrets. I am still very active and do most anything I want to do including riding a motorcycle every week year round and getting ready to skydive again for the third time. Remember this "we all spend half of our life living and the other half dying" and we don't know where the pivot point is. Get up each day and give thanks and enjoy it. Please don't dwell on the what ifs. I wish you the very best with many more years.

Tommy Broughton
MH Chapter 28



Sent from my iPad


Original Message:
Sent: 11/6/2020 2:52:00 PM
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Look Indy, I'll share this final thing then shut up. You have to resolve how to cope with this yourself. We are all individuals and what works for one may not for another. You need to dig deep and decide that you can cope with this, and figure out what will work for you.

Attitude is the primary key in my opinion. Decide that you are going to be happy and enjoy life. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends and family then move forward. When I was struck down I decided to just make the most of life and laugh at my travails. Sure, I am limited in what I can do, and that's continuing to change, but I took up art and writing. It keeps my mind active and surprisingly I've sold quite a few of my works.

Ask your family for their help and support. You can do this. We are here for you to support and listen.

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 11-05-2020 07:19
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Thanks, folks. It helps. Ralph, I love this: "You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't." That's something I'll keep in mind.

So how do you deal with the weight of responsibility? Like, it's been 15 months and I haven't built up a way yet to make sure my wife can cover all the bills if I gork. I'm often tired and I'm working hard, but trying not to repeat the full hard-charging lifestyle I had that probably contributed to the heart surgery. Or, last month I bought some tools. I keep thinking I might leave her in debt and stuck with some tools she has no idea how to use. The guilt is enormous, even though they're tools I will use to make some things we need around the house.

I guess guilt (and fear that I won't be able to set my family up to be okay) are the big emotions. I think about you folks who are 70 or 75 (my mom died at 79 and my dad at 87) and I wonder how you can face each day. How can you plan and make improvements to your life when you might not be able to take advantage of them for very long. Shouldn't everything go into a fund for your family?

My wife says she wants me to do things that involve buying stuff or investing in our home, but I keep thinking that won't help keep her going if I'm gone. She says that not doing so is bad for me and might not help keep me here.

I'm probably not asking this right, and I hope I'm not triggering any of you, but seriously. How can you face each day knowing the clock is counting down and the end could be close? At 20, we knew we might die from an accident or a nuke or something, but it was far into the future. Now every pain, every ache, every case of heartburn triggers the fear that, as Fred Sanford used to say, "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you honey!"

------------------------------
Indy Coder

Original Message:
Sent: 11-02-2020 11:26
From: Ralph Warren
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

Well Indy, I'm no doctor but it seems obvious you are suffering depression, an affliction that is common in heart patients. I would suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and get the help you need. No shame in that, in fact it's only shameful when we don't get professional help.

That being said, I'll share some thoughts. Don't worry I won't drag you down the path of my heart travails, looks like quite a few have shared their stories already, but it highlights that many before you had a much tougher time and far worse issues yet years later here they are. You know the statistics and stuff you read are outdated, and thanks to advances in medicine and technology it's changing life expectancy nearly every day. Me, I'm on year 14 after being told I wouldn't live another year, but I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel. Rest assured, as my Cardiologist says, the list of what's right with my heart is far far shorter than what's wrong. They even have an office pool on when I will die. I tried to get in the pool, but they're afraid I'll cheat. My daughter told me early on that there is a statute of limitations on worrying about my heart and I reached it so move on. The medical team who played inside my chest knows everything about my heart and overhauled the broken parts so I'm good for another...who knows.

Look my friend, it boils down to this - You can roll over and play dead until you are - or- you can get out and live until you aren't. The choice has got to be yours. Good luck to you  I hope you choose to live

------------------------------
Warren
TucsonAZ

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Hi Indy.

I have had many days that I have been obsessed with how much time I have left.  I had a quadruple bypass in May fo 2017.  I am 59 years old married for 33 years and have 3 adult daughters and one grand child.  I have worried about finances, children being independent without me around, my wife being taken care of and things I want to do in my life now, yet I am working full-time.  

I am a God fearing man so I do look to him knowing today is enough to take care, let tomorrow take care of itself.

On any given day, we can go from feasting to mourning, from celebrating life to processing death, or some other life challenge. Our lives can swiftly be reduced to "sticks and bricks"-financially, relationally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. But God is mightier than any storm we face.

Please know that you are not alone.  I struggle to, like others.

I did get an excellent counselor about 4 months ago.  She does do virtual counseling.  Please let me know if you want her information.

Bobby.

------------------------------
Bobby Miller
Cumming
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

dear Indy
I hope that all these ooen forum responses have been helpful. 8 years ago, My doctor put me on anti depression medicines during my postop recovery time so i didn't suffer. I “vote” is for calling your doctor for anti depression medicine. Fortunately I had a lot of family support, which of course with all these Covid restrictions is not so available to you.
Remember you have been given the gift of more time to be alive with your family . Each day is a gift, even with the stresses! Since my recovery , i have had the blessing of meeting 3 more grandchildren instead of having babies named in my memory!

As the breadwinner at your home, its natural that you would worry so much!! is there some way you could reach out to help others? this might be rewarding emotionally. Its important that you thank your wife and family: show your appreciation of all they are doing for you. They are also suffering from worrying about almost losing you.
Time will help!
Bless you
Marilyn B. Rosenhouse
Mobile: (214)850-0655


Original Message:
Sent: 12/27/2020 1:26:00 PM
From: Bobby Miller
Subject: RE: Obsessing on time left before death

Hi Indy.

I have had many days that I have been obsessed with how much time I have left.  I had a quadruple bypass in May fo 2017.  I am 59 years old married for 33 years and have 3 adult daughters and one grand child.  I have worried about finances, children being independent without me around, my wife being taken care of and things I want to do in my life now, yet I am working full-time.  

I am a God fearing man so I do look to him knowing today is enough to take care, let tomorrow take care of itself.

On any given day, we can go from feasting to mourning, from celebrating life to processing death, or some other life challenge. Our lives can swiftly be reduced to "sticks and bricks"-financially, relationally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. But God is mightier than any storm we face.

Please know that you are not alone.  I struggle to, like others.

I did get an excellent counselor about 4 months ago.  She does do virtual counseling.  Please let me know if you want her information.

Bobby.

------------------------------
Bobby Miller
Cumming
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy

Hey, Indy, I hope you have taken some steps to find some equilibrium and peace of mind and are feeling some better.  One thing nobody seems to have mentioned is "better living through chemistry," or, taking anti-depressants. A dear friend suffered through cancer treatment and obtaining a cure, only to become depressed when it was all over, also thinking too much of mortality.  A low-dose antidepressant has been very helpful.

Of course, I won't discount the good effects of this thread, some great ideas and also a lot of humor - laughter is the best medicine!  As for funerals, one I attended pre-Covid had a Frank Sinatra-style singer roaming the room, singing to people at the viewing.  It was so in keeping with the personality of the "guest of honor," who chose that detail himself in last days, it was a fitting tribute at a celebration of life. 

Thanks, all.

------------------------------
CAROLYN B
MD
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 10-31-2020 07:04
From: Indy Coder
Subject: Obsessing on time left before death

I just joined this forum to reach out and see if anyone else is feeling what I'm feeling and may be able to help. I had my chest cut open 15 months ago, triple bypass. By all accounts, I've healed well. My last visit with my cardiologist was just before the pandemic hit and he told me I was doing just fine, have no activity restrictions, and should just keep on keeping on. But I'm 59 and I can't stop obsessing about how much time I have left on Earth.

I'm married with a wife who depends on me and the most adorable little dog in the world. They make me want to stick around, but I'm also fixated on how they'll get by when I'm gone. I feel like, if there are about 10 years after open heart surgery, I've used up 15% of my time left and all I have to show for it is doing some more exercise. I feel like I'm in some sort of race against my future mortality and every night when I can't get to sleep or every time I get a stomach ache or heartburn, I feel like I'm betraying my family.

Obviously, I can't go out and do exciting out there, before time stuff, so we're mostly stuck at home. I do work from home, but took an almost 50% pay cut after the heart surgery. We honestly don't know if that's because the company has less business or they're assigning less work to me, but either way, that drop in income makes me feel even worse because it's that much harder to find a way to guarantee my family's okay with out me.

I feel like I should just go ahead day-by-day and just live my days. But I can't help look to the future and see that gas gauge of life left drop little by little every hour of every day. I know this "ain't right" but I feel it anyway. And no, I don't have a therapist. Can't get one that will add new patients and do virtual, so I'm just searching for help forums at 4am to try to understand how to face this.

So, how do you deal with the fact that you're mortal? Do you have the same sort of obsessions I do? Are my concerns over the ever-dwindling time here wacky or strategic? I don't know. I'd love some wisdom.

Thanks for letting me in and letting me vent.

--Indy