Mended Hearts Open Forum

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issues beyond the surgery

  • 1.  issues beyond the surgery

    Posted 08-19-2020 18:02
    hey all,
    it's been almost 4 years since my open heart surgery and i'm still feeling some of the affects of it.  i'm open to offer any advice to anyone that may be going into surgery; like what to pack or that POPSICLES are so helpful after the fact. but i'm having some issues reconciling how my recovery went. i was 35 yrs old have a big family and some of them just abandoned me after. my only sister who also lives in nyc was 'too busy with her daughter's play practice and her kitchen renovation' to even check in on me.not even to see if i needed groceries or a med refill. i didn't even see her for the first 2 weeks despite living 15 mins apart.  my parents came for the surgery from florida. but although they were here for the hospital visit they left 2 days after i was out of the hospital.  my dad, whom i have many issues with, basically took my mom from me in my most vulnerable time in my life.  he's kind of an SOB so it isn't out of character but it hasn't left me... i'm struggling because when everything fell down (besides being physically daunting i went thru all of my savings on rent and such and racked up 15k in debt) i was alone.  everyone is so happy i survived it but honestly the physical scars don't  bother me as much as the emotional ones.

    Debra Malick
    Sunnyside NY

  • 2.  RE: issues beyond the surgery

    Posted 08-19-2020 20:53
    Hello Debra,
    It is true that families can be hard to live with. Sometimes they are as you said SOB's. Not to worry though because you have this forum to turn too. You may want to find the local chapter of mended hearts near you and join. 
    It helped me more than I can say. I was able to talk to other folks that had similar issues and hearing how they handled them gave me ideas to try for myself.
    The money issue is another ball of wax to deal with. You may try contacting the local social services to see if they have any kind of program to assist you. 
    I loved what you said about popsicles. I lived on those things for the first three weeks post-op along with oranges. 
    The emotional issues can be overwhelming and I found counseling help me a lot. My insurance assisted me with that, so it was manageable.
    I still see my Psych every few months and I had my surgery in 2015. Of course, I was nuts prior to the surgery anyway.
    Hang in there and remember you are not alone. We may not be family by blood but we can help. Reach out to the local chapter and I bet you will find some folks that feel the same as you.
    Take care and God Bless

    Richard Short 
    Chapter 395

  • 3.  RE: issues beyond the surgery

    Posted 08-20-2020 12:25
    Deb I feel ya. My surgery was a little out of town from family. My mom left on day 2 after surgery. I did not want her to leave but she was going to take care of my kids. I think I'm the most sad because my cousin had a retirement party the same weekend of my surgery and most of the family went to that. I was sad that many people that I did stuff with before surgery didn't come visit me at home after. I was pretty lonely. I do still think about that 2 years later. I guess I've decided to let it go, keep it to myself. Actually there have been a couple people who apologized for not visiting admitting to me they were scared. Of what? I'm not sure but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I try not to take it personally because I don't want those people to take away my joy about what happened to me. I hope you can let go of that part as well...

    [Carrie] [Kashani]
    [White Bear Lake [MN]

  • 4.  RE: issues beyond the surgery

    Posted 08-21-2020 08:37

    I have a close friend who seems to completely ignore my health issues, even when they affect our plans/activities. It was baffling and hurtful until one day when I bowed out of an event because of an unexpected trip to have some urgent medical tests, and she said, "Jean, I just don't know what to say about any of this medical stuff." Her voice sounded distressed, and I decided that the problem isn't that she doesn't care - the problem is that she doesn't know how to show she cares. I can live with that. She's a good person, but not a perfect one. Neither am I!


    Jean McMillan

  • 5.  RE: issues beyond the surgery

    Posted 08-23-2020 22:52
    Hey Debra - My name is Henry but everyone calls me Harry. I have great empathy for your pain. There are times when relatives absolutely suck and the same goes for "friends". Being 35 and having to cope with Open Heart is devastating. I just turned 84 on August 15th so I been around the block a few times.My EX Wife has been and is my best friend. I lost everything at 79, $1,880,000 , Yellow Taxi Business, NYC.The Taxi was an investment, I was in Sales and Operations for the most profitable trucking company in America. A man I MADE AND WHO got lost for 5 years due to emotional problems is sitting on 2 million and never offered me a dime when I went broke but spent over $150,000 on some bimbo. I pray not to be bitter, If you have one true friend then God has blessed you. No are here for a visit and you came in alone and you are going out alone, make every day as if it were your last. I just offered up a prayer for you. God is with you, who can be against you.

    Henry Murphy
    HJM Taxi Management
    East Elmhurst NY